Life

Editor’s Note:  The blog post you are about to read was submitted to me with great trust.  The contributor wishes to remain anonymous.  It is my sincere prayer that – while this post may evoke different emotions in each of us – we can agree that it is incredibly courageous of her to share her story with us.  To this contributor – Thank you.  Our prayers are with you.  

“I’m against abortion – but I am pro-choice.”

Have you ever heard someone say that? And then shake your head and think “What is wrong with you? Don’t you know those things can’t possibly go together?”

I ask you to stop for just a moment before you prepare to pounce on this person.

What if . . . she had an abortion and has never forgiven herself?

What if . . . he encouraged his girlfriend to just “get rid of it” and now has trouble sleeping at night?

What if . . . she feels like a hypocrite because how can she possibly be “pro-life” when she’s made the devastating decision to abort – maybe even more than once?

For many years, that was my stance. In college I made some really bad decisions, leading to more really bad decisions, leading eventually to two abortions. I cried before making the decision. I cried before heading to the clinic. I cried when it was over. And I cry today – 25 years later.

I felt unworthy of the pro-life movement. Why would they possibly want me as an advocate? I am the one they’re “fighting” against. I’m the one who bought in to the lie – the lie that my parents would never forgive me. The lie that having a baby would ruin all my chances of future success. The lie that I couldn’t possibly let someone else raise my baby.

The wall I built between me & God was growing by the day. After I was married and had children of my own, I knew I needed to be right with God again. But I was too scared. Of course God can forgive her sins and his sins – but my sins? They are much too big.

We went to Mass most Sundays, and became marginally active in our local parish. But when it came time for my son to receive his sacraments, I thought “This is ridiculous! How can you encourage him to go to reconciliation when you haven’t been in 20 years?” Hypocrite. Again. The wall continued to grow.

That all changed for me several years ago when I stumbled upon CWOC (MCCW at the time). There I found a loving group of women who really wanted to grow in their relationship with Christ. And it was there that I knew I needed to start tearing down the wall.

I went to reconciliation for the first time in 20+ years. And I cried – tears of joy and relief at the depth of God’s mercy. I have named my children, and I pray that if I am lucky enough to see them at the feet of our God, they will embrace me.

I’m still not a vocal participant in the pro-life movement, but I am certainly no longer pro-choice.

I would ask that you embrace the poor confused soul who still hasn’t forgiven herself; who thinks she is a pride-filled hypocrite. I am that girl – I just need time to heal.

This entry was posted in Faith Reflections, Pro-Life Issues and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Life

  1. Dollia says:

    Very moving. Thank you for sharing your very personal story. I hope you’ve returned to the Sacraments.

  2. Lynda MacFarland says:

    Praise God for His endless Love and unfathomable Mercy. And God bless you for sharing so others can benefit from your testimony. Jesus is full of compassion for those who seek forgiveness, mercy, healing. You can be an example to others with your story of that fact.
    We have to trust in Him. Trust that He means it when He tells us we have new life in Him. Thank you, anonymous writer. We are praying for you! God loves you and so do we. May we always be as “full of compassion” as He is.

  3. Loretta Endres says:

    This brings good perspective. We all have past sins we wish didn’t occur. Reconciliation as an adult has been such a mercy filled experience. Thank you God for the gift of the sacraments. And thank you for sharing this most intimate experience; please know you are in my prayers.

  4. Lisa MacFarland says:

    Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I find these words of the bible especially comforting. ” Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
    Continue to share your experience , there are many who have walked in your shoes. Your courage may help bring them to reconciliation. May God bless you and your family and provide you with healing.

  5. kirsten simonsgaard says:

    God bless you for your bravery! There are many women who will be blessed to know they are not alone, as Lynda said. Thank you!

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